By committing to use spiritual principals to improve my life permanently, the Universe has begun upping the blessings. I have learned that things will change in our lives if only we would allow them. There are no accidents. No coincidences. There are only miracles and experiences that are here for our benefit.

I remember reading once that when difficult things happen in our lives we ought to ask “why is this happening for me?” and not “why is this happing to me?” I can honestly say that I understand this concept now. I am a true believer that everything happens for our own good. Everything. There is something in every experience we encounter that is here to show us how to evolve into a joyous, pain-free existence. Everything happens so we have an opportunity to examine our belief system and decide if we want to change it. That is the bottom line. That is the core teaching of Conversations with God. In this book, God continuously tells us we are here to decide Who We Are.  I understood this concept when I first read the book, but I see that I understand it more clearly in this moment: 

Who We Are is based on how we behave, think, and what we speak. Those three defining actions are all based on our belief system. To identify the source of our pains, all we need to do is trace back our beliefs to their conception. When we do, we would find that for most of us there is an event or an incident from our childhood that plays a major role in defining our view of the world and ourselves. The way we experienced that incident colors the way we experience difficulties today. For me, most of my conflict-creating perceptions today stem from when I was 5 years old and my mother was first diagnosed with cancer. I’m not sure how long she was gone, but this moment must have been the moment I began believing I could be abandoned by love.

This realization is so tremendous; where there is ever pain, there is a belief that we were abandoned by love.

My fear of abandonment by love has played a tremendous role in the way I experience life. Recently my girlfriend and I were having some difficulties. Whenever we fought, I felt she was “doing” so many wrongs towards me. To make matters worse, she was feeling I was doing the same towards her. Herein of course lies the miracle of God. The fact that we were mirroring each other’s beliefs gave me an opportunity to realize something grand: It isn’t the other person who needed to change; it was my beliefs that did. My girlfriend was but a mirror, projecting back what I believed about love. When I realized it was my perception of the circumstances that was creating chaos in my life and not what my partner was doing or saying, I suddenly could begin to free myself of the pain. I could also free my partner of the responsibility for my pain. I can now begin to own my power again and stop giving it away. It is much easier to free ourselves of pain when we are the owners of that pain. It is much more difficult to free ourselves of pain if another entity truly was creating that pain. It would be nearly impossible. But the truth is our emotional pains are always in our hands. We choose what we experience and how we experience it. So if we can choose pain, why can’t we choose its opposite?

Through the hardships I have experienced in my personal life lately, I have come to learn that it is only when we stop blaming another person for how we feel, do we realize we are the ones creating our circumstances and our feelings. As soon as I let go of blame and stopped looking at what my girlfriend can do better or differently to ease my pain, suddenly my pain began to ease. It was as if a miracle had taken place. No one can make us feel less pain. Only we can. We own our perception of everything in our world. I get to decide how I feel. I get to decide how to experience a situation. Once I stopped focusing on the complications in my relationship and started focusing on healing my inner child and living a life I deserve, my relationship began shifting from conflict to cooperation.

I now know and trust that whatever happens, it is happening for my greatest good. It is happening to show me the core of my beliefs. And so, I made a promise to stop asking, “Why is this happening to me?” when things hurt and to start asking “Why is this happening for me?” The faster we can move into a place of observation, the easier the lessons become. So please, please, please, before you begin to blame another person or situations in your life for how you feel or where you are in your life, ask yourself, “Why is this happening for me?” and ponder what your situation is teaching you about your core beliefs. It is those core beliefs that must be transformed in order for us to experience harmony. The situation and the person outside of us are here for our benefit. They are here to teach us what must change or be let go in order to have a more joyous existence. This doesn’t mean that you are creating another person’s behavior; that person is fully responsible for any chaos or aggression they send out into the world. But, it means you have a choice of what to experience emotionally, meaning, you can choose whether to allow the other person’s behavior to color your feeling of your worthiness of love. We have nothing to prove to another person. Once we realize it is us we must please, everything changes. We can walk away from harmful relationships. We can stop blaming the world for our pain. We can start owning our power again and we can start creating joyous situations instead of painful situations. All situations are here to mirror our inner beliefs. Once we realize we are worthy of love, we begin attracting situations that illustrate that belief. Old unhealthy relationships and situations will then either fall apart and give way for their opposite, or begin to improve and reflect the changes we feel about ourselves.

Now that I recognized that my inner child is the one at the helm whenever she “perceives” she is unloved, I can own my power once more. I can also stop blaming others or myself and start transforming my belief system. I can step back, take a deep breath, and love my inner child. I can hug her in my heart and let her know that we are together and she is never alone. Also, the truth about my fear of abandonment is my mother never left for good. Today, I feel her spirit guiding me and bringing me messages of love and hope from the great beyond. How magnificent is that? I know the physical experience of love is so important and I do miss her so very much, but I also recognize that sometimes relationships simply change. If we want to stop feeling pain, we must stop fighting the change and embrace the new. Instead of wishing for the old relationship with my mother to return, I can look for new ways to enjoy the relationship I have now with her. I can give the loss of the physical experience of love its time of mourning, but eventually I can begin to see the blessings of the new relationship. I know this might take some time, but the biggest step in progress is always the realization of the truth. And hey, if I can do it, so can you.

Putting it into practice:

If you are feeling any conflicts in your life that seem to form a reoccurring pattern, and would like to do the work I am doing, then please take a notepad, your thoughts, and some tissue (you never know what comes up) and start writing. Go out into nature to do it if you can.

Answer the following questions:

1. How does this particular conflict in my life make me feel? Write down anything that comes to mind without editing.

2. After you’ve completed step 1, ask the same question again but write down your answer in the “I feel” form. The idea is to refrain from using blaming statements such as “he makes me feel or it makes me feel.” This way you keep in mind that this is how you feel, and not necessarily what is truly happening in that moment.

3. When was the first time you felt this feeling? Go as far back as you can recall into your childhood and find the first time you felt whatever it is you are experiencing right now (fear, abandonment, guilt, disappointment etc.) If you don’t know, start by writing your thoughts and allow them to lead you. 

4. Once you have found your childhood source of pain, write as long as you can about how you felt at the time when this childhood event happened. Feel free to write about it however you choose. Just write the honest truth of what you experienced and how you experienced it.

5. Be proud of you. This type of honesty takes a lot of courage.

6. Look at the statements of hurt in your answer to the question #4 and ask yourself are any of your perceptions of abandonment by love true? If you wrote that you felt unworthy, ask yourself if this is true. Did what happen mean you were unworthy or was it just a perception of a young child looking for love? I guarantee you that you are worthy. We are all worthy of love. The thing we are not worthy of is judgment, especially our own.

7. Forgive yourself and your inner child of whatever you believe was your role in the triggering event. Imagine sending your inner child love and healing from your heart to hers. Put it into writing. 

8. Forgive whomever in your current situation and past situation you believe to be responsible for your pains. I know this can be a tall order so I will write a separate entry about forgiveness soon. However, try to see what Louise Hay always says, “everyone is doing the best they can with what they know”. If you can’t completely forgive right now, simply state that you wish to forgive them and ask God or Life, or the Universe to help you release your anger and replace it by love. And trust that forgiveness will find its way to your heart. For now, just remember the point of the lesson at hand: you own the power over how you feel.

9. Reverse your perceptions of lack of love by writing your new truth in the form of a positive affirmation. If you want, please feel free to use the following affirmation to bring healing to your inner child:

“I forgive my inner child for not knowing any better than to experience a lack of love. I send her (or him) all my love and I let her know the entire Universe and I always love her. Whenever she needs me, I am here – always and forever. We are One with the Infinite Power of Love. It is now safe to let go of the past and embrace a new beginning. It is now safe to allow into our lives the greatest good the Universe has in store for us. My inner child and I are loved, protected, and safe. I let go and let Heaven’s blessings flow into me and through me. And so it is.”

10. Remember to keep things into perspective when you are out in the world. Wherever you experience conflict, take a step back and a deep breath. Come back to your writing and explore the relationship between that situation and your inner child’s beliefs.

Remember, everything we experience is a reflection of Who We Are. Who We Are is a reflection of our beliefs. Those beliefs have been formed as a result of how we experience and perceive life. For most of us, there will have been an incident in our childhood that colored the way we perceive our worthiness of love. Only when we begin to heal our inner child’s perceptions, can we begin to heal our lives.

I know these types of exercises can bring up pain. But be brave. If we do not face our truths, those truths will continue to create chaos in our lives and even more pain. Facing them helps bring about healing. Running away keeps them lurking beneath the surface and causing us further pain. I know you can do this. The entire Universe is on your side. Have faith and know that healing is coming to you. As God reminds us, “Ask and you shall receive.” 

All my best. I know that all of Heaven is cheering for all of her children to heal.